Slave for a Day
by doctor b. broseph
Summary: In a dire need of assistance Ron makes an Unbreakable Vow with Fred and George, realising only too late the consequences of allowing the twin's complete control over his actions, crossing lines he rather leave uncrossed.
1. Chapter 1 The Doomed and Desperate

There are certain times in life where one can't help but feel completely screwed. Rushing to finish before a deadline is quite effective in invoking this feeling, as Ron knew all too well. He had a transfiguration essay due in three hours and several other assignments due by the end of the week, including an exposition on the seven uses of dragon blood.

Ron had not started any of these tasks and had been relying on his good friend Hermione to assist him in this endeavour. Unfortunately, Hermione and Ron were arguing (Ron had tried colouring Crookshanks ultramarine blue for laughs and Hermione had not been amused) and he knew she wouldn't help him out unless he apologised. But there was no way he was apologising, a blue cat is hilarious and Hermione should have accepted that.

He would have to rely on his own intelligence. He was screwed.

"Wow," thought Ron to himself, "maybe school is the greatest trial in life. Maybe even harder than defeating Lord Voldemort."

Then he slapped himself because that was one of the stupidest things he had ever thought. Voldemort had killed so many of Harry's loved ones it wasn't funny. His flippant remark was highly disrespectful. He shed a tear of pure liquid shame and turned away dramatically.

Out of the corner of his eye, he spotted his blank transfiguration and cursed. Oh what he wouldn't do to have a pre-prepared essay to copy! As if on cue, Fred and George entered the common room.

"Well well Mr Weasley. What have we here?" inquired one of the twins (Ron couldn't recognise whether it was Fred or George), "Looks like you could use a pre-prepared essay to copy."

"You wouldn't happen to have one on your person, would you?" inquired Ron hopefully yet warily. The twins smiled in unison, sending chills down Ron's spine. This couldn't lead to anything good, but he was desperate.

"We may happen to have our essay from two years ago when we did the same essay. It's in our trunk, isn't it Fred," smiled George eerily.

Fred cheerfully smiled back, "It sure is George. But Ron, it's quite valuable to us. We'll only give it to you at a cost."

Ron narrowed his eyes suspiciously so much so that he could barely see.

"Name your price."

"Just make an unbreakable vow with us to fulfil this list of conditions we just happen to have here. You complete these tasks under the magic of the vow, we give you the essay. It couldn't be simpler."

Ron knew this was of course untrue, there was no way it was that simple but again, he was desperate at this point. There was two hours and 48 minutes left on the clock.

"Alright damn it. I accept."

As Ron said this, he silently prayed that their demands would not be too trying. He almost managed to convince himself that this would be the case. But as the flames swirled around him and he spoke the words the twins advised him to say, he glimpsed the first few points of the contract and his heart sank. This was going to be awful...

**To be continued...**


	2. Chapter 2 Nine Lives aren't enough

As Ron handed in his assignment to Professor McGonagall, who gave him a stern but impressed stare, he noticed that the feeling of nothingness in his stomach had not left. Sure, he had handed in his assignment and at the very least, passed it, but now he had that seven point contract to fulfil.

Oh God, the contract.

Ron had only managed to glimpse the first points but what he had already seen did not seem promising. Hell, he didn't even know what purpose these objectives were serving. It was most likely part of Fred and George's way of entertaining themselves. He suddenly wondered if anyone else had ever been offered this opportunity before…

* * *

><p>'<em>Point 17– The obligated, one Ronald Bilious Weasley, is under Unbreakable Vow to complete the following to the very best of his ability. Mr Weasley must kidnap the beloved pet and accomplice of one Mr Argus Filch, the dreaded cat Mrs Norris, and conceal the creature for the duration of one week. If she is returned to Mr Filch in this time frame, this will result in Mr Weasley's death.'_

* * *

><p>Ron couldn't help but feel that this was one of the easier tasks. He had the perfect place in mind to stash Mrs Norris, the Room of Requirement. Once he had the cat, he could conjure a room ideal for concealing a cat for the duration of a week. It was simple. There was only one catch. He had to catch Mrs Norris.<p>

However with a shrewd and cunning plan, Ron thought he had this under control. He could just summon Mrs Norris to him and then toss her right into the Room of Requirement. Three simple words and the first point was fulfilled. Well, almost.

With a guilty look aside, Ron pulled out his wand and whispered, "Accio Mrs Norris."

With a howling and a shriek, the cat came spinning into the hallway and right at Ron. Ron opened his cloak and stuffed the cat inside. Predictably, she snarled and bit him.

"Bloody hell!" gasped Ron as Mrs Norris began crosshatching into his stomach, "you rotten little-"

He reached under and grasped the cat by the scruff of the neck, as she scratched wildly into the air, swatting at his wrist with her claws. Ron swore furiously and ran to the wall, thinking with all his might.

'I need somewhere to stash a cat for a week,' he thought, trying to ignore the constant presence of cat claw on his wrist. A door materialised and Ron flung it open. Slamming the door behind him, he flung Mrs Norris across the room. She spun wildly before smacking against a scratching post and landing in a litter box.

"I'll let you out later, when you're _feline_ friendlier," quipped Ron rather cleverly before pushing the door shut. He turned around and blanked his mind, the door vanishing as he did so.

He sighed; it had been easier than he thought. He looked down at his wrists, which were dripping with red. He swore under his breath, now he had wounds that would be difficult to explain. If only he knew a spell to stitch up wounds. Alas, he had always relied on Hermione for that sort of thing, what with her being the brightest witch of her age, even if she couldn't realise that a blue cat was the most hilarious-

Wait a minute, thought Ron to himself. Crookshanks. He could blame the scratches on Crookshanks. That way Hermione would feel guilty for her pet's supposed attack and Ron had an excuse for why his wrists were bleeding more heavily than an emo's on a Saturday night.

The perfect crime.

Ron smiled. He had everything figured out. There would be no backlash from this at all.

He was brilliant.

* * *

><p>"Like hell Crookshanks did that," scoffed Hermione with a scowl, "I trimmed his nails last night. Are you suggesting he bludgeoned your wrists open with the stumpy nails he had now? Or maybe you just cut them open yourself as part of a ploy to make me feel guilty."<p>

"Well-"began Ron, wildly thinking of an excuse out of the situation, "now that you mention it, it might have been the other Crookshanks. You know… the Hufflepuff one? Yeah, the Hufflepuff one."

"The 'Hufflepuff one'? What does that even-"began Hermione before Ron laid a finger on her lips and shushed her.

"It's okay Hermione. I accept that I was wrong, it wasn't your Gryffindor Crookshanks, it was the Hufflepuff Crookshanks. I'm sorry I falsely accused it of slitting my wrists and I'm sorry you were offended when I coloured your cat blue. I hope when we can still be friends."

Hermione pursed her lips but looked mollified. She always loved it when Ron apologised.

"It's okay Ron, I forgive you," she said, having apparently been distracted enough by his apology to forget his bizarre claim of an alternate Crookshanks, "I guess it was kind of funny."

They briefly hugged before Fred, George and Harry burst into the room, roaring with laughter.

"Hey Ron did you hear about Mrs Norris?" chuckled Harry, wiping a tear from his eye, "apparently Mr Filch claims he was petting her in his room when she suddenly floated out and away from the room! He's claiming she was kidnapped can you believe that nutter? She was probably just sick of Filch's heavy petting am I right?"

"So true," laughed Fred (or was it George?) with a meaningful stare at Ron, "What kind of deranged lunatic would kidnap Filch's cat anyway? Who knows where it's been!"

Hermione's arms crossed themselves and Ron saw her pout in that oh-so-familiar way.

"Guys, I know that Filch is a crotchety old pain in the neck but kidnap is wrong. You wouldn't happen have had anything to do with it would you Fred? Or are you George?"

Fred and George traded knowing looks and smiled in a sickeningly sweet and innocent way at Hermione, it made Ron's stomach turn.

"Oh Hermione, I can assure you, we haven't touched a hair on that poor cat's head," said Fred truthfully.

"We never touched her Miss, I swear!" whimpered George in a mockingly Oliver Twist-like voice.

The pair laughed, throwing their head backs and rocking their shoulders. Hermione's frown became firmer, and Ron swore it seemed somehow more solid than earlier.

"You two are so callous. You might think it's funny, but I think it's horrible. In fact, I'm going to track down Mrs Norris myself and return her home."

Ron could have punched the twins.

"I'll help you Hermione. I know a few things about catching cats."

"We bet you do," smiled Fred and George darkly and Ron broke into a sweat. Surely they wouldn't say anything? If Hermione found out about this, she'd hate Ron forever…

"Good luck you two, just don't take up too much time in your search. Wouldn't want you to fall behind in your workload. Don't forget your… _deadlines."_

As Ron and Hermione left the room, he looked at the twins and remembered one of his least favourite lines on the contract he had signed just hours earlier.

_If she [Mrs Norris] is returned to Mr Filch in this time frame, this will result in Mr Weasley's death._

A shiver was sent down Ron's spine. Suddenly, he realised that there was much more on the line than temporary embarrassment. If Hermione was able to sleuth out Mrs Norris' location…

The door slammed loudly behind Ron and he quickly leapt to Hermione's side, keen to divert her location as far as possible from the Room of Requirement.

_**To Be Continued…**_


	3. Chapter 3 Getting Off Easily

Ron's heart rate had increased rapidly over the last few hours. He had managed to send Hermione on a wild goose chase across the Hogwarts grounds while he headed straight to the Room of Requirement. It would have only been a matter of time before she decided to search the castle anyway, Mrs Norris typically skulked the halls with Filch.

Ron couldn't count on Hermione not thinking to search the Room of Requirement as she obviously knew of its existence. His plan had already been uncharacteristically brilliant but he would have to up the ante to outsmart Hermione.

He could of course explain the whole situation to her, but he didn't want to. He couldn't stand the thought of her lecturing him for poor decision making, poor choice of trust, poor time management…

She just didn't get him.

He just struggled with work; it was hard to keep on task. She was determined, focused and driven and he was just a slacker. Snape was right, he would always be a slacker and no Weasley in the history of Hill Valley would ever amount to anything. Ron suddenly wondered where Hill Valley was.

Regardless, he didn't want Hermione lauding moral or intellectual superiority over him and as such, he couldn't tell her. It had to stay secret.

And so, with a heavy heart, Ron returned to the Room of Requirement regretfully but resolved all the same to rectify the situation. Spurred on by alliteration, and ignoring the niggling feeling of discomfort in the back of his mind, he pulled out his wand and entered the Room of Requirement, ready to make the necessary changes to ensure Hermione wouldn't be able to access Mrs Norris' room.

As he entered, Mrs Norris looked up with a snarl. With gleaming claws and teeth, she darted forward angrily. Ron was glad for the aggression; it made him feel less guilty about her relocation.

Grabbing the cat by the scruff of the neck, he exited the room before asking the Room for the new location he had in mind. Mrs Norris began to shriek as the new Room revealed itself and with a pang of regret, Ron threw Mrs Norris in and sealed her in for what he hoped would be a week's duration.

* * *

><p>"That was a hell of a close call earlier today," smiled Fred (Ron was quite sure it was Fred) in a reproachful way. Ron had seen few reproachful smiles before and it made him uneasy. "Ha-ha, please don't smile at me like that Fred," he nervously stuttered.<p>

"What's the matter Ron, something wrong with our faces," beamed George forlornly.

Wild eyed, Ron shook his head.

"Look I don't care whatever ungodly face magic you guys are experimenting with, I just want to get this all over with. Hell, even after my secondary precautions, there's still a chance Hermione might find Mrs Norris, and I'd rather deal with just the one threat to my life as it is."

The twins raised their eyebrows, "What did you do to Mrs Norris? Nothing we wouldn't, we hope. Look Ron, we don't want you dead. Embarrassed and possibly no longer viewed as socially acceptable, but dead? Definitely not."

"Oh right, that's very reassuring. Look all you need to know about Mrs Norris is, that unless Hermione takes a very direct approach, it's highly unlikely she'd know what to look for. If she did, I'd be very worried. And completely screwed I guess."

"Yes, but where did you hide her?"

Ron mumbled something indistinctly, not even directed to the twins but to himself. They couldn't quite catch what he said and didn't press him on it.

Their curiosity could wait, they would have plenty of amusement with Ron's reaction to the next two points of the contract.

* * *

><p><em>Point 27– The obligated, one Ronald Bilious Weasley, is under Unbreakable Vow to complete the following to the very best of his ability. He is to approach one Professor Sybil Trelawney and partake in the act of 'sloppy makeouts' with her, or what is colloquially known as the act of kissing. He may or may not use tongue at his own discretion. Failure to complete this task within a week will result in Ronald Bilious Weasley's death._

_Point 3/7– The obligated, one Ronald Bilious Weasley, is under Unbreakable Vow to complete the following to the very best of his ability. He is to follow up the kiss with one Sybil Trelawney with a follow up offer to "head back to his room", insinuating that the act of coitus or 'physical lovemaking' will ensue. He may or may not choose to follow up on this offer depending on the circumstances. Failure to complete this task within a week will result in Ronald Bilious Weasley's death._

* * *

><p>"What." said Ron bluntly, "I have to what? Are you serious? Because- there... there is no way-"<p>

"You read correctly Ron. Those are your obligations. Your life is at stake, so don't get to indignant about it," beamed Fred evilly.

"Just smooch the seer Ron," George grinned, "It can't be too hard, but maybe you will be."

The twins raised their eyes browsed and whooped. Ron face palmed with a shudder, running his hands through his hands in frustration.

"What happened to all that crap about looking after me? Do you to get me expelled? I'm pretty sure that's sexual assault or something, I could get expelled you fucking twats!"

"We said we wouldn't let you die, not that we wouldn't embarrass and emotionally cripple you. Besides, this could have been so much worse Ron," scowled Fred indignantly, "if we wanted, we could have forced you to sodomise Malfoy. How does that sound Won Won? Nice and romantic?"

"I hate you both. Words cannot describe. You're fucking sociopaths."

"Oh stop it you, you're embarrassing us," spluttered George in mock embarrassment, "now get out of here you crazy kid and pucker up and kiss that teacher! And while you're there, you might as well do that other thing."

Ron stormed out of the room in a huff of profanity and rage, farewelling his brothers with all manner of obscenely rude gestures as he left.

The twins high-fived each other.

"_Sucker_."

_**To Be Continued…**_


	4. Chapter 4 An Indecent Proposal

Ron fretted throughout all of divination. He must have misread the second and third points on his first glimpse because he would never had agreed had he known this was on the table. This sort of thing could get him expelled or worse!

In his mind, he heard Hermione's voice rattle off a list of reasons why he shouldn't kiss Trelawney and then proposition her for… other activities, but he knew he had to. There was too much at stake. He would just have to do it really quickly before she knew what was happening.

From the corner of the divination room, he watched the professor cavorting around, overdramatically declaring the imminent death of someone in their very classroom (probably Harry) and tried to imagine locking lips with her.

He did not find the imagery pleasant.

He cast his mind to one particularly worrying term used: '_sloppy make outs'_.

What did that mean? What made something 'sloppy'? Was it a certain amount of saliva spilt? How much?

These questions were horrifying to contemplate and Ron's mind drifted elsewhere to a world of slobber, old dry lips and awkwardly worded sex proposals.

He suddenly snapped back to his classroom when Harry pointedly hit him in the ribs. A large pair of eyes were fixated on Ron, as well as those of the rest of the classroom.

"What?" asked Ron rather dumbly.

"I asked you Mr Weasley," began Professor Trelawney with an impatient flourish of her hand, "whether you had seen anything of interest in Harry Potter's tea leaves? I am quite sure you would have seen something… grim no doubt."

Ron quickly glanced at the cup, trying with little success to peer into the cup. At his present angle, this was near impossible so he made a guess.

"Oh well I think… I saw… the Grim? Yeah, the Grim. Harry's toast, he's going to cark it any day now. Completely screwed."

He snatched the cup and pointed at the leaves within, "Yeah you see? Right there. That sort of oblong… thing right there."

"Ron," whispered Harry angrily, "that's your cup you twit!"

An idea suddenly occurred to Ron. He waved Trelawney closer to the cup.

"And you see this here? I'm pretty sure that's a thick, veiny horse cock. You can see in practically dripping in anticipation and trepidation, look at it unfurling. Its borderline pornographic isn't it Professor?"

Trelawney's eyes expanded so rapidly and so largely that Ron thought certain for a moment that they had exploded. She began to tremble with fury.

"Mr Weasley," she said flourishing her arms wildly and in all directions, "that may be the most outrageous-! most heinous-! most non-triumphant thing I have ever heard uttered in my classroom! You will stay behind after class and we will have _severe_ words about your behaviour. Consequences will never be the same!"

She stormed off angrily. In the corner of his eye, Ron saw Seamus and Dean signal thumbs up at him, barely concealing their laughter. He also saw Lavender and Parvati who looked like they were fit to murder him.

"What the hell was that about," muttered Harry under his breath, "You've been acting weird since that deal with Mrs Norris. Why are you suddenly such a spaz?"

Ron sighed heavily, "Hey Harry, can you do me a favour?"

"Yeah, what?" began Harry warily.

"Would you be able to distract Hermione throughout the rest of this week? Keep her in the common room as much as possible?"

Harry looked confused.

"Sure I guess I can. What's all this about? What do you mean 'distract' her? Are you planning something? Does this have anything to do with Mrs Norris?"

Ron shook his head frustratedly, "Can you just trust me on this one? Please?"

"Fine, whatever, I'll do it," sighed Harry, "but when this is all over you better explain everything."

"After this week, you'll find out one way or another," noted Ron grimly.

He farewelled Harry as the rest of the class departed. It was just him and Trelawney alone together.

Ron suddenly broke into a sweat.

"Well Mr Weasley, here we are," smiled Trelawney, "Alone at last."

"'Alone at last' Professor?" laughed Ron nervously.

"Oh relax Ron. I know why you are here. I have foreseen it in my mind's eye."

Sweat trawled heavily down Ron's neck.

"You… know?" he squeaked.

"Of course I know my dear! I always know. It's my profession."

"Then you know I'm being coerced here," quizzed Ron nervously, "you know that this is totally against my will?"

Trelawney chortled merrily, "Oh my dear boy, you don't have to deny it! You aren't the first to fall prey to my charms!"

"I- wait what?"

"It's okay I understand Mr Weasley. You fancy me. You view me as one of your 'MILF's. You'd like to 'tap that' so to speak. Am I right?"

Ron blanched. This was not a conversation he wanted to have.

"I'm flattered Ron. It's gratifying to know you view me in that way."

Ron wished she would shut up; this was going so awfully, this was just-

"But of course we can never be together Ron! I'm much too old for you and frankly, you're a little too young for-"

Filled with panic, horror, embarrassment and an intense wish to end it all, Ron launched onto Trelawney and locked lips with her, careful to spill saliva and be as 'sloppy' as possible. It was unspeakably awful.

He closed his eyes, trying not to picture Trelawney's lips and try to imagine they were much younger and belonged to someone else, a girl with-

Withdrawing as quickly as possible from her newly moistened lips, he blurted out the proposition as quickly as possible.

_"Hey-babe-oh-god-what-am-i-saying-do-you-want-to-head-back-to-my-room-for-a-session-of-hot-and-steamy-love-making? oh-whats-that? you-dont? oh-well-i-accept-your-decision-lets-never-speak-of-this-again-sound-good? okay-cool."_

"I'm sorry what?" asked Trelawney incredulously, a look of absolute shock on her face. She evidently hadn't foreseen that.

"Should've listened the first time I said it," said Ron with great conviction.

He had technically fulfilled the terms of his contract. He has kissed her and proposed that they… do the stuff.

Well look it didn't say anywhere that she had to accept or even understand what he was saying. He hadn't dropped dead so he can't have failed.

He grabbed his books and without another look at Trelawney, he fled the room.

He didn't look back once.

**_To Be Continued…_**


	5. Chapter 5 Urine Trouble

At least 2 out of the 7 points out of the way for sure. Not bad work for a day. Ron would almost feel pleased were he not terrified of the fall-out.

He had just kissed his teacher; there would definitely be repercussions for that one way or another. It would be up to Trelawney's discretion.

Ron sighed heavily as he trudged far away from the castle and into the Hogwarts grounds. It hadn't even been worth it. Trelawney's lips had left a strange taste in his mouth, something like peppermint and coffee.

Not that Ron could think of a teacher he'd rather had kissed instead. Madam Hooch? Probably not. Professor McGonagall? No, definitely not. Snape? Oh dear god no!

As he purged the image of Snape puckering up from his mind, he contemplated his future. Sure he'd have to return to the castle soon. It was growing dim, the sun would set soon. And yet, he didn't want to encounter the twins. He could imagine their evil grins, dripping with glee, as they asked him to recount his encounter.

How he hated the pair of them.

This was beyond mere sibling rivalry. This was douche-baggery on a much larger scale.

This was a very steep price for a passing assignment.

As Ron headed closer to the surrounding forests, and inched closer to the edge of the lake, he resolved that next time, he would just suck it up, apologise to Hermione and then get her to do his essay.

As he approached the lake's edge, he spied Hermione, still on her search for Mrs Norris. She smiled as she saw Ron, unaware of the immense danger she posed him.

"Hey Ron, any luck in the castle? I've been canvasing the grounds quite thoroughly between lessons and so far, I've found no trace."

Ron forced a smile in return, "No luck up there either. I'm sure she'll turn up eventually though. Also while I'm here, I should let you know that Harry is looking for you. I can't remember exactly why though, must have slipped my mind."

"It can probably wait a while longer," smirked Hermione, "hah, some days I feel like all I do is solve problems for boys."

"Well it's your own damn fault for being so clever isn't it," joked Ron, "maybe you wouldn't have this problem if you weren't such a know-it-all."

"Oh whatever," pouted Hermione, but Ron knew she wasn't that cut up about it.

Ron cast a glimpse back up at the castle, they were starting to light the candles.

"We should get back to the castle. Dinner should be ready soon. The cat can wait."

Hermione nodded and reached for the hand bag she had laid down by a nearby tree stump. As she lifted it, a book fell out and slipped onto the mud.

"Crap."

Ron reached down and clutched the book by its spine.

"Here. You dropped this."

"Yeah, I saw that thanks," noted Hermione sarcastically.

Ron rolled his eyes, "What book is that anyway? 'The Little Mermaid' is that some magical botany thing?"

"Botany is the study of plants Ron," sighed Hermione bemusedly, "The Little Mermaid is a Muggle fairy tale."

"Oh, sort of like 'Babbity Rabbity and her Cackling Stump'?"

"I've never heard of that, but I would assume so. It's about a mermaid who falls in love with a man and uses magic to trade her voice to gain legs. However, there's a catch, she has to make the man fall in love with her or she'll transform into sea foam."

Ron raised an eyebrow, "Oh, Muggle fairy tales sound weird. So let me guess, she woos the prince and they live happily ever after?"

"Actually she fails and turns into sea foam," frowned Hermione, "It's the Hans Christian Anderson version. It's sort of depressing actually."

"Wow, why the hell would you want to read that then?" smiled Ron, "It sounds awful."

"It was a gift from my parents," scowled Hermione.

"Oh," said Ron quietly, "Okay then."

"I'll see you at dinner, I've got something to take care of," said Hermione coldly, and she huffily skulked off into the forest, leaving Ron alone to feel quite insensitive.

* * *

><p>As Ron re-entered the castle, feeling quite sorry for himself, he suddenly felt something icy and cold splash over his head. The sensation was unpleasant and shocking. Ron swore quite loudly.<p>

Above the doorframe, Peeves cackled madly, clutching the newly empty bucket tightly before aiming it at Ron's head.

Ron ducked quickly and the receptacle bounced off the floor and rolled quietly into the corner.

"What the hell Peeves?"

With a toothy grin, Peeves sank to Ron's level and began to recite ad-lib.

"_O Weasel bee, sweet Weasel bee/ have you washed behind your ears? / O Weasel bee, young Weasel bee/ why do you drip with liquid fears?/ O Weasel bee, poor Weasel bee/ You're in for a shock/ Freshly squeezed from the horse's cock/ You're drenched in horses' pee_!"

A terrible smell entered Ron's nostrils and he suddenly pictured himself strangling Peeves.

"Horse's pee? Is this… about Divination?"

Peeves screeched with pleasure, "Very naughty of you, oh so very bad. Quite rude, thought you deserved punishment, just desserts. How does it taste?"

Ron fired a spell at Peeves who dodged it and zoomed away sniggering, leaving Ron quite alone and dripping in the hallway. As he stood soaked, Filch entered the room. He twitched and twisted and fidgeted and froze upon seeing Ron.

"Look at you, you nasty brat. You've wet yourself."

"It was Peeves," delivered Ron in a dead pan tone, "I swear to God, Filch if you don't shut up and piss off, I will murder your cat."

Filch's eyes bulged and Ron knew he had chosen his threat poorly.

"You!"

Filch leapt forward at Ron's throat, intending to throttle. Ron batted away his grimy hands and took out his wand.

"I didn't mean it like that you psycho! I- I never touched your cat. Sore subject I get it! Sorry for the poor choice of words but seriously just back off!"

Filch lowered his arms but his eyes betrayed murderous intent.

"If you've touched my cat… I'll kill you. I will cut you," he hissed, miming vicious acts of retribution as he stalked back into the darkness.

Ron held his poker face as he watched Filch retreat into the darkness. He suddenly became aware that he was holding his breath and released.

"That was too close," shuddered Ron and he immediately turned and darted up the stairs, returning to the Common Room with the intent to immediately shower.

On his way, he encountered Neville. Neville cast a look at Ron and wrinkled his nose.

"You smell like urine."

"Thanks Neville."

_**To Be Continued…**_


	6. Chapter 6 The Clock Ticks

As Ron exited the shower, newly clothed and heavily soaped, he couldn't help but feel that in some way, the universe or some other cosmic force was purposefully screwing him over. Or at least, that would seem the case, if most of this misfortune hadn't been brought about by himself.

All the same, the distribution felt quite disproportionate.

As he re-entered the common room, seething with anger, he waltzed over, ready for worse news.

There were still remaining points he had to tackle. He snatched the contract angrily from the twins, who had made sure to slip in some jibes before he inevitably stormed off.

"How's she'd taste Won Won?"

"Did she see it coming? Or should I say, did she see you coming?"

"Oh snap! Hope you didn't catch Sybil-is!"

"Ha! Good point; you never know where she's been."

Ron loathed the pair of them.

"Shut it. I just want to get this over with. What else is there, or should I just check it myself?"

The twins exchanged glances.

"Well actually, we struggled to find additional points after the first few, so we figured we just force you to give us blowjobs."

Ron started, opened his mouth, closed it and then slowly opened it again.

"You- give you- on my- what?"

George spread his legs, "Get to it kiddo."

Ron just gaped.

"On your knees boy, don't be a tease," cackled George with mad glee.

"Oh the look on your face," laughed Fred, "Just kidding, that's completely up to you," Fred winked, "If you're feeling a little incestuous later."

"You're sick," spat Ron, "Just give it to me straight."

"That's what she said," smiled George and he dutifully high-fived Fred.

* * *

><p><em>Point 47– The obligated, one Ronald Bilious Weasley, is under Unbreakable Vow to complete the following to the very best of his ability. He is required to state the phrase, "Bloody Hell" on demand. The signal to comply with this task will be the stroking of the chin. When Mr Weasley views this action, he is to comply with the task and state the phrase. Failure to comply within the duration of a week will result in Mr Weasley's death._

* * *

><p>"Wow really?" giggled Ron, "That seems like a bit of a waste."<p>

George stroked his chin, "Well my dear Ron-"

"Bloody Hell!"

"-we weren't entirely joking. Although you do sound quite funny when you say that, it was sort of a waste wasn't it? It was quite difficult to find points that wouldn't result in your immediate death. But after we wrote this point, we figured what the hell? This was pretty lame, and the only way to have any real fun? Cross some lines. Sure we still took some precautions, like misspelling your name but we don't know whether that would negate the effects of the unbreakable vow. You swore to fulfil the points of the contract, and I wouldn't hope on a mere misspelling preventing a painful death."

"Oh god," whispered Ron.

* * *

><p><em>Point 57– The obligated, one Ronald Bilious Weasley, is under Unbreakable Vow to complete the following to the very best of his ability. He is to detonate a pound of firecrackers or similar incendiary device in Professor Severus Snape's dungeon during a Potions class. Failure to complete this task by the end of the week will result in Mr Weasley's death._

* * *

><p>"Oh great, that can only end well," snarked Ron, "but hey, it's not quite life-threatening is it? There's worse isn't there."<p>

The twins nodded gleefully.

* * *

><p><em>Point 67– The obligated, one Ronald Bilious Weasley, is under Unbreakable Vow to complete the following to the very best of his ability. He must obtain, legally or otherwise, one Time Turner, fully functional in the proper properties (capable of time travel) and deliver it unconditionally to the dynamic duo, Mr Fred and George Weasley. Failure to complete this task by the end of the month will result in Mr Weasley's death._

_Point 7/7– The obligated, one Ronald Bilious Weasley, is under Unbreakable Vow to complete the following to the very best of his ability. He is to manipulate events so that one Ms Hermione Granger is to kiss him, without undue force on his part. Furthermore, he is not to inform her of his agreement to make this Unbreakable Vow. In addition, he is to inform neither her nor anyone else outside of the Weasley family of this condition. Failure to complete this task by the end of the month will result in Mr Weasley's death._

* * *

><p>"You've killed me. I'm dead, I am… so dead..."<p>

"Nah, we haven't. Look we've extended the time limit for these! You've got a whole month (minus today obviously), but I would advise you get to it as soon as possible. After all, the clock is always ticking."

"Oh awesome. When you put it like that, it looks easy as."

"Cheer up Ron, just think! Soon as you finish this, you're free. Until the next assignment at least."

"Go to Hell."

And with that, Ron finally stormed off. The twins shook their heads.

"Oh the things we do to help that poor kid," frowned Fred sadly.

George patted Fred's shoulder reassuringly, "One day, he'll look back on this and thank us."

The twins shared looks.

"Yeah right!"

_**To Be Continued…**_


	7. Chapter 7 Temporal Confusion

The rest of the night passed quickly. Ron sat next to Harry and Neville at dinner and ate little. Professor Trelawney came down into the Great Hall for the first time in a long time, and spent an unnerving amount of time staring at Ron with hefty, fixated eyes. Ron finished his plate quickly and went straight to bed.

As he lay in his bed, quite alone in the room, he began to picture a ring of fire and soon he was dreaming. He dreamt of a great many strange things. He dreamt of a pair of sea witches, he dreamt of a man in a blue box, he dreamt of a group of women floating through the air and then his dream took a turn for the worse and he dreamt of orally pleasuring the twins.

With a gasp he awoke and promptly fell back into sleep and this time without dreaming, he drifted back into oblivion.

* * *

><p>When Ron awoke the following morning, it was by the urgent prodding of one Harry Potter. Harry jabbed him sharply, and despite Ron's best efforts to swat and curse him away, he persisted.<p>

"Mph… Mngh! Harry! Piss off already… I mean it… literally…"

"Oi, get up Ron," frowned Harry, nudging the increasingly drowsy Ron, "I need to show you something."

"You know, I've had nightmares start this way," scowled Ron but he arose regardless. Moving into an erect position, he squinted at Harry.

"Well what is it?"

Harry thrust a parchment onto Ron's lap.

"What is this? The latest edition of Hunk Rump magazine?" ejaculated Ron grumpily.

Harry drew out his wand and prodded the parchment tenderly, "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good."

He pulled open the map and pointed to a pair of dots in the Common Room, neatly labelled Fred and George Weasley.

"You woke me up to show me this?" Ron asked incredulously, "I'm going back to-"

Harry punched Ron and pulled him back down onto his ass.

"Now look over here by the Honey dukes passageway."

Ron's gaze drifted to a second pair of dots, also labelled Fred and George Weasley.

"Huh that's weird. Guess the map must be faulty. It had a pretty good run though; it's like twenty years old right?"

Harry shook his head.

"The map never lies, Ron. It's never been wrong before. Something's up and we should check it out."

Ron sighed.

"Does this mean I have to change out of my pyjamas?"

* * *

><p>"I hope you recognise I have other stuff I could be doing right now," complained Ron, "Its pretty life or death stuff with all these deadlines hanging over me."<p>

"I highly doubt that," scoffed Harry (Ron noted the irony), "now shut up and help me solve this mystery or go back to bed."

"Alright I'll see you later," yawned Ron as he turned back for bed but Harry swore and pulled him back.

"That wasn't a choice you twit. It was more like… a rhetorical offer or something?"

Ron shrugged and followed Harry down the staircase. He was not in the mood but of course, Harry's needs _had_ to come first.

While Ron suddenly realised the sheer amount of innuendo that had occurred, Harry entered the Common Room and was immediately greeted by a chipper Fred and George.

"Hello lads. Care for a kip or a fag?" queried Fred in a mocking upper class voice. Mocking accents seemed to be what they were enamoured with this week.

Harry thrust the map into their faces, "Care to explain this?"

The twins shared a peculiar glance, showing an expression Ron could have sworn resembled… guilt?

"Well isn't that peculiar? What do you make of it George?"

"It's strange to think but maybe the map is finally malfunctioning? It had a pretty good run though; it's like twenty years old right?"

"That's what I said," started Ron but Harry interrupted.

"It's not at the end of its run, it's working just fine. I've encountered stuff like this before with Peter-"

"You know what else is at the end of its run," blathered George, "The Chudley Cannons. That team hasn't won a match in years."

"Shut up," scowled Ron, stung, "The Chudley Cannons are a damn fine team, a damn fine team. They came close to winning a game last season."

"A loss of 4-13 is not what I'd call close to winning Ron."

"Shut up. They are amazing."

Before George could interject with evidence to the contrary, Harry interrupted them all.

"Stow it! Now look here! This map is never wrong, it wasn't with Barty Crouch and it wasn't with Peter Pettigrew. Enough bollocks about 'map malfunctions', there is something weird and presumably magical going on and I intend to find out what that is. Come on Ron, we're off."

And with that he once again dragged a reluctant Ron after him and through the Fat Lady's hole. The pair vanished into the hallway.

Fred and George locked gazes.

"Think they'll figure it out?"

"Nah, Hermione is the smart one. We're good."

* * *

><p>In a quarter of an hour, Harry had got the other twins on the map cornered.<p>

"Come on Ron, wands out. We don't know who they are, they could be Death Eaters or God knows what else. Get ready to attack if need be."

Despite his insistence that he didn't care, Ron took out his wand regardless.

They leapt around the corner and came face to face with the twins. The pair of them was out of breath but neither looked surprised to see Harry and Ron appear.

"Hello lads. Out for an early morning walk?" they huffed.

"I could ask you the same thing," grimaced Harry, "what are you two doing down here?"

"Well after you left we decided we'd go for a walk. And looks like we just happened to meet up with you here, outside the Honey dukes passage."

"You ran all the way down here? Why?" frowned Harry.

"We uh… remembered we left one of our experimental devices down here. Top secret, very… magical."

Ron raised his hand, "If you were just upstairs, what did we talk about?"

Fred stroked his chin, as though straining to remember.

"Bloody hell," gasped Ron obligatorily. Harry gave him a bemused look, and Fred and George raised their eyebrows with a sudden realisation.

"I believe it was about the malfunctioning map," said George stroking his chin, "and then we discussed the Chudley Cannons did we not?"

"Bloody hell."

"Yes," said Fred, once again stroking his chin quite heavily, "that was the gist of it. Then Harry steadfastly refused to believe the map could be fooled and raced down here to meet up with us."

"Bloody hell."

"Ron, what the hell is your deal," snarked Harry, "could you stow it for a minute?"

"Sorry Harry," apologised Ron resignedly, "I can't really control the 'bloody hells'."

Harry turned to face the twins, who concealed grins.

"Well okay, if you just came down here, how do you explain the fact that you are still present as being in the Common Room on the map?"

The twins' grins momentarily slipped.

"We- we- well shit. You caught us Harry," they laughed, "Can you keep a secret?"

"Sure," Harry confirmed warily, "what is it?"

The twins looked around shiftily and leant in close to Harry.

"We're working on a device that makes it impossible to detect your location. A magical device. We hoped it would fool the map because- well it's the best detecting thing we know of. In Hogwarts, that is," blithered George.

"What is it?" asked Harry curiously.

The twins dug around in their pockets and pulled out a pair of badges.

"This is it. Yeah, we enchanted them or something," blurted Fred, "And it looks like they totally worked."

"Hey, aren't these badges from the Ministry of Magic?" asked Ron, "They've got the names and everything."

"You tell us Ron," said the twins cryptically.

Harry retreated and threw a final question at the twins, "So it's just these enchanted badges that makes your names appear in two places?"

"Totally," smiled Fred.

"Okay, well you should have just told me earlier," laughed Harry, "Fare thee well."

And with that strange farewell, he ran away and back up stairs.

"Fare thee well? What's up with the sudden use of Ye Olde English?" asked Fred stroking his chin thoughtfully.

"Bloody hell."

Remembering Ron's presence with that outburst, the twins approached Ron and thrust at him with oblong objects.

"What's all this?"

"That, dear Ron," smiled Fred, "is about a pound of firecrackers and incendiary devices. We suspected you might need us to supply you with these. That's why we waited for you by Honeydukes."

"You waited for me?"

The twins winked.

"Better follow Harry back upstairs. Don't want him to suspect your involvement."

"My involvement in what?"

The twins refused to divulge and pushed him after Harry. Ron reluctantly sprinted after his comrade, and headed back to the Common Room.

"That was pretty close," said Fred with a sigh, "Harry nearly trapped us a few times there."

"Doesn't matter, we fooled him," declared George, "Now let's get going. Three turns should do the trick."

And with that, they left.

* * *

><p>When Harry re-entered the Common Room, he saw the twins back in their seats as though they had never left.<p>

"You guys got back here quickly."

"Well we ran back. We wanted to save these seats."

Harry's gaze narrowed.

"What was the last thing I said to you before I left?"

The twins exchanged worried looks.

"Goodbye?"

"Seeya later?"

Harry relaxed.

"Okay, just double checking."

He smiled and dragged Ron back up the stairs, whom by now was stick to death of Harry's vice-like grip and insistence on literally dragging him everywhere.

"Well Ron, at least we know they were lying," said Harry grimly, "Something is going on, but the twins are not nearly as innocent as they seem."

"Really?" asked Ron sarcastically, "Who could have known they would dabble in strange and disturbing arts?"

"Look Ron," began Harry, "I know you're feeling shitty for some reason, but if you keep this up, I'll just investigate this with Hermione."

Ron rolled his eyes, "Fine good. She'll be more useful to you anyway."

Harry dropped Ron and stormed off. He was going to solve this mystery; just how could the twins be in two places at once?

Ron of course, thought he knew the answer. After all, he was privy to knowledge that eluded both Harry and Hermione, despite the fact it was usually him that was out of the loop.

He thought back to a point on the contract, one that had seemed impossible until today's events. He was just glad he had been able to conceal his knowledge from Harry, as the twins had been able to conceal their knowledge from Harry and Harry had been able to conceal his knowledge that the twins were concealing their knowledge from Harry.

There was one explanation that seemed to explain everything.

* * *

><p><em>Point 67– The obligated, one Ronald Bilious Weasley, is under Unbreakable Vow to complete the following to the very best of his ability. He must obtain, legally or otherwise, one Time Turner, fully functional in the proper properties (capable of time travel) and deliver it unconditionally to the dynamic duo, Mr Fred and George Weasley. Failure to complete this task by the end of the month will result in Mr Weasley's death._

* * *

><p>Sure, it was a load off his chest to know that he would succeed, at least with this point, but the obvious question remained.<p>

Why would the twins need a time turner, presuming he was successful in obtaining them one?

_**To Be Continued…**_


	8. Chapter 8 Go Screw Yourself

Ron went back to his bed and slept for what felt like at least a week. When he awoke, he was groggy and had some difficulty remembering what had happened. It felt like he'd been away, although that was obviously not the case.

In fact, Ron had not been asleep for much longer at all, he had slept another half an hour at most. As he moaned with disdain, he spun around in his bed to notice a figure hunched over him.

"Holy Jesus," he screamed wildly, punching out and striking the figure in the face. The figure fell back, a streak of red colliding with the wall.

"Bloody hell Ron! That hurt, you damned prick!"

Ron's eyes widened. He was staring down at himself, dishevelled and bruised around the eye. A golden chain hung from his neck.

"You? Me? But… what? What is this, how do I oxygen," began Ron, babbling incoherently. The Ron on the floor picked himself up and flipped Ron off with an obscenely rude gesture.

"You prat, I'd forgotten about that. No wonder I was so pissed off, that damn well hurt!"

"How is this possible," gasped Ron before closing his mouth with sudden realisation, "Oh wait, it's the time turner isn't it? I guess this means I found it."

"Good guess," spat future Ron, "I'm glad to see we aren't complete idiots. Because I was really starting to question that."

"What do you mean?" quizzed Ron confusedly.

"Spoilers you dick," Ron replied smugly, "If I tell you it won't happen because you'll be stupid and try to stop it. I know I would. And I'm you so I'm more qualified than anyone to say you don't need to know what every vague and cryptic thing I slip out means."

"Calm down, what's got you so pissed off?"

Future Ron frowned, eyes narrowing short-temperedly, "Hey dumbass, maybe it's got something to do with the fact you just punched me in the face!"

"Oh whatever, I can't believe I'm being such a tool about this. I could really use some help with the contract. Do I finish it successfully?"

"I'm not done yet am I," scowled future Ron, "Why do you think I'm here? We've got important stuff to do together; you think this is a pleasure trip?"

"Pleasure trip? What, are we going to experiment with time travel to have sex with each other and ourselves," laughed Ron flippantly, "Take our own virginity as it were?"

"We'll get to that in a minute," said Ron in a grim tone, "As much as I've been looking forward to reliving that experience, there's other stuff we need to do first."

"You're joking right?"

"Do I look like I'm joking?"

Ron felt a trail of sweat roll down his neck.

"Oh come on, we've thought of some depraved things before but- come on! Really?"

Future Ron smiled, "Come on dude, I know you're going to start touching our junk soon. It's already happened. It's a fixed point in time; we need to do it to prevent a paradox."

"It just seems… sort of… desperate? I mean, would that even count as sex or would it be masturbation?"

Future Ron stroked his chin thoughtfully.

"Bloody hell," they swore in unison.

Future Ron smiled, "Ha-ha that's hilarious. I can sort of see why they included that in the contract. You sound freaking adorable."

"Stop hitting on me dude," flinched Ron, "This is really sort of weird and creepy."

"Oh come on, you know we love it. If we don't pleasure ourselves, no-one else will. I haven't even got that kiss from Hermione yet. And I'm pretty sure this self-love is less pathetic than the time we masturbated to the Fat Lady."

"Bloody hell, don't remind me about that. It was third year, we were just starting out with- what am I even saying? Why are we talking about this?"

"Well maybe I'm just messing with you," smiled Future Ron, "but we both know I wouldn't joke about something like this. Besides, how else will you earn this Time Turner?"

Ron's eyes lit up, and he stared at his future self's chest.

"You got the Time Turner? How?"

"I can't tell you where or the idea will become paradoxical. Although I suppose giving you the Time Turner to retrieve it earlier in the timeline is already paradoxical in a way. But just think, the Fat Lady wasn't the only object of our affection in the third year. Think of the others and I'm sure you'll put two and two together. I'm sure because I already have."

"Hermione?"

"Bingo."

Ron stroked his chin, pondering the problem.

"Bloody hell," said both Rons.

"So, I should go back in time, steal Hermione's Time Turner and give it to Fred after first instructing, or guiding, myself to do so?"

Future Ron nodded, reaching under his shirt and drawing out the chain. He placed in on the bed rest and sprawled himself next to Ron of the present.

"Very clever. But you've still got to get it on with all this to get the gold. You're sort of like my bitch in that way. So lube up that hand and get to work."

"I feel like I'm starring in a very depraved work of erotic fiction," stuttered Ron nervously, "I can't believe you would… that I would do this to myself."

Future Ron laughed, "Trust me, when you're the Ron on this end of the hand job, you'll feel the sweet, sweet sensation of revenge. And it feels good."

Ron stared at the increasing bulge in Future Ron's trousers.

"I think I'm going to lock the door."

* * *

><p>Neville trudged back resignedly to his dormitory. He had had a shitty morning. He had spilt his cereal bowl down his front and got the most inappropriate boner when Luna had bumped into him twice in the hallway.<p>

He couldn't know for sure whether she had known but those wide, disconcerting eyes had ogled him judgementally for a lengthy period after they had made it out of the hallway.

All he wanted was to go back to his dormitory and take a cold shower. However as he reached the door, he found it locked. He banged loudly on the door and pressed his ear against the wood.

"Oi! Let me in, I need to get a towel!"

He heard gasps, a loud thump and the rustling of bed sheets. Footsteps trailed to the door and it swung ajar a fraction. Ron's head peered around the door and tossed a towel out to Neville.

"Ha-ha terrible timing Neville," laughed Ron nervously, "here's your towel, now piss off, I'm… busy."

Neville's eyes narrowed suspiciously.

"What were you doing in there?"

Ron's eyes darted around, searching behind Neville. Seeing no-one else around, he met Neville's eyes again.

"None of your business. You don't want to know. Just… give me a minute."

"It's not the Fat Lady again is it?" grimaced Neville with disgust.

"Get lost Neville," swore Ron viciously, slamming the door in Neville's face.

Neville rolled his eyes and sauntered off to the shower. My God, that Weasley could go at it!

* * *

><p>Ron turned back to see a naked future self sprawled across his bed, smiling facetiously.<p>

"Maybe you should have asked him to join?"

"You're enjoying this aren't you," asked Ron incredulously, "I can't believe it. Everyone's taking a shot at me even myself. When I'm you, I am going to make you pay for this. Just you wait til it's my turn."

"Go screw yourself. Oh wait, you just did!"

Ron snatched the Time Turner and his clothes. He quickly pulled on his attire and turned to face the wall.

"Yeah well, we'll see whose laughing once I go get the Time Turner and come back here and sodomise you!"

He spun the Time Turner and vanished back into the third year. Future Ron sighed.

"What a dick."

_**To Be Continued…**_


	9. Chapter 9 Reach Out and Touch Someone

It was a dark and slumberous night. Not a creature in Gryffindor Tower stirred, not even a house elf. All was quiet and students slept in their beds.

All but one red-headed boy who suddenly appeared out of thin air.

"Bloody Hell, that was an experience," gasped Ron, obligatorily stroking his chin and he said so.

He was in his dormitory exactly three years prior (well maybe not exactly, he had left in the morning and it was now night time). While he and his past roommates slept, he quickly opened Harry's trunk, quietly rummaging around before stashing Harry's invisibility Cloak on his person and closing the trunk up.

He tucked the Time Turner beneath his shirt and slunk down to the Common Room. Quickly locating the stairs to Hermione's dormitory, he began his ascent.

However, he didn't get quite far until the stairs became a slippery slide beneath his feet.

"FU-"Ron began to swear as he suddenly became diagonal and with a thump, felt the cold stone slide beneath him.

"CK," he finished as he rolled onto the Common Room floor.

He glanced upward at the smooth ascent before him. He suddenly remembered that the staircase was enchanted to prevent boys sneaking up into the girl's dormitory. This would require out of the box thinking.

"Accio Hermione's Time Turner?"

Ron paused for a minute, but nothing happened. Maybe it couldn't travel out of Hermione's room or perhaps it was enchanted to prevent such retrieval? It didn't matter, it was clear Ron needed to get into the room to retrieve it.

Time for a new tact. Ron pointed his wand at himself, an act that despite his confidence that there was no way he could fail, made him slightly nervous.

"Wingardium Leviosa!"

Immediately, Ron shot up into the air, floating up the staircase. Success.

"Let's get it on," smiled Ron as he slipped on Harry's Invisibility Cloak.

* * *

><p>The floorboards creaked beneath Ron's slippers as he snuck into Hermione's dormitory. He slowly swung the door open, wincing at its shrieking creak as it swung open.<p>

Yet somehow, Hermione, Lavender, Parvati and the other girls Ron had never really talked to, managed not to stir. Ron breathed a sigh of relief and wandered over to Hermione's bed.

Ron peered over the sheets and watched Hermione's chest rise and fall. He stood there for a moment before realising how creepy that kind of was. He was thankful he had thought ahead to bring the Cloak.

"Accio Hermione's Time Turner," he whispered beneath his breath.

Hermione's shirt lifted but the Time Turner failed to come out from underneath. Ron gave a forlorn sigh. Of course it would be trapped beneath Hermione's shirt! He was a fool to have ever believed otherwise.

Looking around apprehensively, Ron extended a hand from the Cloak. He paused briefly, strengthened his resolve and slowly and deliberately slid his hand under her shirt.

He tried to keep the hand as raised as possible so as not to brush her skin nor did he pull her shirt with too much strength so as not to alert her. He didn't want to look as it would feel perverted but he needed to make sure he would grab the Time Turner as opposed to… anything else.

Eventually he found the trinket and slowly lifted it from her chest. She did not stir. Success.

Ron withdrew it and suddenly felt the chain tighten and Hermione wince in her sleep. The chain was around her neck!

Ron swore under his breath. He was so close and yet there was no way he could get the chain off while she lay on her back!

"Oh Christ," he swore, his legs becoming like jelly beneath him, "Screw it."

With a deliberate yank, he prepared to yank on the Time Turner before realising he couldn't. Hermione couldn't know the Time Turner was ever stolen because three years ago, she had never been aware that the Time Turner was ever stolen.

However for once, it seemed the universe was not out of its way to screw Ron over. By sheer luck, or perhaps predestination, Hermione rolled onto her side. Ron gleefully fist-pumped and with a slight fumble, managed to slip the chain from her neck.

He quickly grabbed the Time Turner and began spinning the mechanism to return to his proper time before he screwed up the past.

The mission had been a total success!

* * *

><p>Unfortunately Ron had forgotten one thing. While in the past, all the girls had been asleep, returning to the future years afterward did not guarantee that.<p>

In fact, the girls were all awake and in various states of undress, most wearing pyjamas. Ron was thankful not only for Harry's Invisibility Cloak, but also for briefs.

"Hot damn," Ron muttered as he ogled the girls in a voyeuristic fashion, "Dat ass."

"Did you say something Hermione?" asked a short girl with dark hair who Ron had never bothered to learn anything about.

"No?" replied Hermione quizzically, "Why do you ask?"

"I could have sworn you just complimented me on my ass just then."

"Ha-ha, maybe Hermione is a lesbian," smiled Parvati teasingly.

"I am not a homosexual," frowned Hermione, crossing her arms angrily.

"Pfft, you are such a lesbian Hermione," sniggered Lavender, "I don't think I've ever seen you take an interest in boys despite the fact you hang out with at least two good-looking guys."

Hermione flushed angrily, "My romantic pursuits are none of your business Lavender, and I'd appreciate it if you kept your unsolicited opinions to yourself."

She stormed off angrily and Ron, seeing his chance to escape the dormitory, leapt through the door after her.

As Ron headed towards back towards his dormitory, he considered, for a brief second, whether or not he should go after Hermione to make sure she was alright. But he remembered he had an appointment to keep with his past self.

Ron sure was looking forward to being the one who was dicking around with his past self rather than being the one dicked around with by his future self. The feeling of being the future self and having one over his past self felt pretty satisfying to Ron.

Approaching his bed once again, he replaced Harry's cloak and waited hunched over his bed.

His past self looked so very peaceful. Boy, when he woke up he was in for a surpri-

"Holy Jesus," Past Ron screamed wildly, punching out and striking Future Ron in the face. Future Ron fell back, a streak of red colliding with the wall.

"Bloody hell Ron! That hurt, you damned prick!"

_**To Be Continued…**_


	10. Chapter 10 We All Need a Hand Sometimes

After one awkward paradoxical hand job happened again, yet also occurred for the first time, Past Ron turned back to see his naked future self sprawled across his bed, smiling facetiously.

"Maybe you should have asked Neville to join?"

"You're enjoying this aren't you," asked Past Ron incredulously, "I can't believe it. Everyone's taking a shot at me even myself. When I'm you, I am going to make you pay for this. Just you wait til it's my turn."

"Go screw yourself. Oh wait, you just did!"

Past Ron snatched the Time Turner and his clothes. He quickly pulled on his attire and turned to face the wall.

"Yeah well, we'll see whose laughing once I go get the Time Turner and come back here and sodomise you!"

He spun the Time Turner and vanished back into the third year. Future Ron sighed.

"What a dick."

He got up off the bed, stretched out his arms and curved his spine flexibly. Feeling his body creak, he stood erect in the dormitory a while, allowing himself a brief moment to hang loose.

The moment passed and he clothed himself, ready to seek out Fred and George.

He grabbed the Time Turner Ron had neglected to take; they were in fact both the same Time Turners just at different points in time. This had initially confused Ron, but he decided that thinking about it too hard would do his head in.

"Another one down," he smiled to himself as he burst through the door excitedly, just like Kool-Aid Man.

"Oh Yeah!"

* * *

><p>"Well I've got a pair of aces so naturally I fold," declared Fred throwing his cards down.<p>

George peered over his cards and frowned indignantly.

"You fold? But that's a good hand!"

Fred smiled, "George, we're twins. We're practically the same person. Looking at your body language and psychoanalysing your intense eyebrow wiggling that even Granger would be impressed by; I can tell that you've got a brilliant, probably unbeatable hand. Am I not right?"

"Sweet Princess Celestia! This is why I hate playing Poker with you," scowled George, throwing a royal flush onto the table in front of them, "We should stop playing stupid games for Muggles."

"Don't be racist," smirked Fred smugly.

"Muggles aren't a race, you prat," retorted George, "No wonder you weren't cut out for Muggle Studies."

"Muggle Studies is a joke and you and I both know that," scowled Fred, "Let's put that fact out on the table where we can both see it. Sort of like your hand."

"Bite me," snapped George, flipping Fred the bird as he turned to sneak a glance at the Common Room's entrance, "How much longer until Ron gets up?"

"He's probably getting up as we speak," Fred replied coyly.

"Take it how you will," George grinned deviously and they both snickered.

* * *

><p>"I'll show that Lavender who the lesbian is," glowered Hermione angrily as she stormed through the castle, "We'll see who the real lesbian is."<p>

She huffily cascaded down the stairs and exited into the Hogwarts Grounds. Regardless of her anger, she was still on a mission to track down Mrs Norris and if that cat was out in the grounds, she would find it.

She was beginning to suspect she might be in the castle but Ron was supposed to be looking throughout the castle for her. Assuming Ron could manage it, Hermione smiled, he probably wasn't the most competent person for the job.

Not like I am, smiled Hermione, feeding her ego as she tended to do when angry. She also found anger easier to cope with when you assumed everyone else was an idiot. You got a sense of importance and of being above it all.

Sure maybe she was being a little self-satisfying and prideful but seriously. Fuck Lavender.

Lavender Brown, what a bitch, thought Hermione to herself. Openly she'd never say anything but secretly she imagined all the bad things she could possibly do to Lavender. It would be easy; Hermione was a much better witch. She knew all the spells.

But of course, a niggling little voice in the back of her voice restrained her and guilt formed. What was she thinking? She might like to think of herself as cruel and vindictive, but Hermione knew she wouldn't do anything permanently scarring.

Whatever she did to get back at Lavender couldn't directly hurt her.

With a sigh, she cast all thoughts of Lavender from her mind and resumed a long and futile search for Filch's cat.

_**To Be Continued…**_


	11. Chapter 11 Suddenly, Foreshadowing

Fred and George were huddled together in the corner of the room when Ron finally entered the Common Room. He immediately noted their detachment from the other students and like any reasonable person became suspicious.

He sauntered over to them casually, drawing their eyes like a spotlight to a deer.

"Well if it isn't sweet young Ron," screamed the twins in creepy unison, "What can we do you for today?"

Ron slowed and looked rather apprehensively at the pair. He hadn't expected them to scream.

"What in the name of Emma Watson's eyebrows are you two playing at? Are you messing with me or are you actually demonic creatures?"

The twins chortled merrily, "Oh Ron, that was just a slip up with auto-correct that was too funny to correct. But enough damaging of walls of a certain numerical value, we need to get down to business."

Ron nodded slowly, "Yeah whatever, I don't really give a fat horse's cock about anything you just said. What are you guys up to?"

"We were expecting a deliver we were forewarned about by the most trustworthy of sources. We expect to be receiving it quite soon. We've been waiting most of the morning."

"You've obviously been waiting up for it," Ron noted, "Look at the bags under your eyes. Aren't you tired?"

"Actually we are getting a bit tired, aren't we Fred?" admitted George.

"Yeah we sure are," Fred confirmed with a toothy grin, "Tired of your bullshit!"

The twins erupted into laughter, their jaws shuddering heavily as mirth escaped their lips. With a dawning realisation, Ron's ears became a shade of red not distinguishable from his hair.

"Whatever! I'm just here to give you the Time Turner and fulfil another point of my contract. Here you go," he scowled tossing the golden compass-like object at the twins.

The twins immediately seized the device and stared at it at awe. After a few moments, they glanced up and beamed at Ron.

"Thanks Ron. You have no idea how glad you are going to be for this."

Ron didn't hear their thanks. He was already leaving and before they could quite finish, he was gone.

* * *

><p>Sybil Trelawney sat in her study, penning the note that would soon reach the ginger student who had totally snogged her. As hard as it might be to believe, Sybil had never been kissed before.<p>

The act had excited her.

Sure it might be forbidden with a student and it was wrong, but deep down a part of her was excited by it. There was a delectable depravity to the kiss. It gave her a kind of joy, like when one gets away with a crime.

The thrill of misendeavour, the excitement of subversion.

She wanted more.

And she didn't doubt she would receive. She was blissfully unaware of any magical contracts, all she thought of was Ron's lips. Young, full lips.

If Ron could have known the things she was thinking at that moment, he likely would have vomited a little in his mouth. Luckily for him, he was entirely distracted in Snape's potions class. As Snape drawled on in his oppressively gloomy monotone, Ron pondered just how to get away with detonating a pound of incendiaries.

He needed to do so undetected or there was no way he wouldn't be suspended or worse, expelled. If he was suspended/ expelled there would be little hope for Hermione voluntarily kissing him.

His head sinking into his hands, he bemoaned ever making the contract. What ever had possessed him to accept such a horrible, Faustian deal?

* * *

><p>Elsewhere, in the corner furthest from the twins, sat a rather bemused Harry. He had made sure to follow them out early in the morning to discover what they were up to. He was sure he would manage to get to the bottom of the mystery of the map.<p>

He had not however seen any duplicates of the twins on the map. But he had seen something far more interesting.

He had seen Ron appear out of nowhere in Hermione's dormitory and then return to his own dormitory. While Harry might just let this slide as some sort of perversion on Ron's part, it appeared there were two Rons in the dormitory.

Furthermore, Neville had reported Ron's reluctance to let him enter. Harry knew that something didn't add up here.

Why, and how, could two Rons exist in the same room? What had they been doing so close together in the dormitory? How had Ron managed this strange duplicating feat just like the twins had?

One final and rather disheartening question lingered on in Harry's mind.

What was Ron keeping from him?

_**To Be Continued…**_


	12. Chapter 12 Congratulations! A Conclusion

**Author's note: Hello avid readers. Sorry for the slip in schedule between the last update (a few months back) but I've been really quite busy with my education lately, not to mention moving house and…**

**Wait a minute. I updated this last over three months ago…**

**Three months… **

**Hmmmmmmm...**

* * *

><p>"Honourable members of the Wizamagot," began Fred in eerie unison with his twin, "I therefore submit having regaled the full chain events of taking place three months ago, that led to the unfortunate death of our brother, Ronald Bilious Weasley, that we cannot be held responsible for his demise. We were coerced into the actions by a stable time loop that required us to attain Ron's servitude to obtain a time turner paradoxically. Having being forced into that course of action by our future selves, we had no choice but to comply or threaten the very fabric of space and time itself. Had we not taken the steps that led to his demise, the entire universe would have been destroyed. We therefore acted necessarily and without malice. We rest our case."<p>

The Wizamagot raised their eyebrows in eerie unison, nodding slowly and muttering amongst themselves.

From the back of the court, Hermione sobbed silently on Harry's shoulder, who shot an angry glare at the twins. On Harry's other shoulder, Mrs Weasley also sobbed while Mr Weasley and Percy mimed violent threats.

Dumbledore stood up; the Wizamagot had come to its decision.

"Mr & Mr Weasley, be that as it may, we still find you guilty of conspiring to murder your brother. While the very nature of our universe as deterministic means that you did not have any other choice, we still see fit to punish you for your crime. While a deterministic universe makes determining the morality of your decisions quite difficult indeed, the fact remains that the difficult nature of the tasks you set lead to Ronald Bilious Weasley's death."

"He would have been fine if that Granger bitch hadn't found and returned the fucking cat," George blurted accusatorily, "He was completing those tasks just fine until she caused him to fucking explode in a wreath of flame in potions class!"

Hermione burst into renewed sobs.

"Ms Granger was not aware of Mr Weasley's contract at the time nor of the consequences of her actions. She has been found innocent, much unlike yourselves. You will be sentenced to life in Azkaban."

As the dementors descended into the room, Fred and George exchanged irate glances.

"What a fucking cop out," spat Fred.

George nodded, "This saga has amounted to a shitty conclusion."

And they were both right.

**The End.**

* * *

><p><strong>Congratulations dear reader! You finished 'Slave for a Day'!<strong>


	13. Chapter 13 Revision

**Three months earlier…**

It was very rare that any noise came from the Department of Mysteries. As far as most were concerned, that was a Department haunted by silence. It may have been mysterious, but there never seemed reason to be concerned.

Today was different.

Today, the Department of Mysterious was in a panic.

Department ministers and employees were in a huff running around anxious and flustered. Rumours spread about a cataclysmic event occurring, but no-one knew anything more than suspect stories, each more outlandish than the next.

By the evening, the Minister of Magic had been summoned to a secret location and the rumours were in agreeance that an apocalyptic event was about to destroy the world.

* * *

><p>However the truth was much less heartening. It was not merely the world in danger, but the entire timeline.<p>

Those men who studied its working knew how little of how time worked, but they knew enough to know that meddling with it was tantamount to suicidal in the majority of cases. Time had rules, and if you tried to go against them, you paid for it.

And someone somewhere had incurred a debt.

With what they knew, they could guess someone had created an unstable timeline. A timeline that logically couldn't exist. A timeline that defied the path that some unknowable deities had long planned out. A timeline said deities would be rectifying.

This would have been fine enough if that were not to come at the expense of the existence of everyone in the unplanned timeline. As such, the existential implications were swept under the rug along with the rest of the divergent events that unfolded, claiming the very existence of everyone in the original timeline.

While this was all very horrifying, at least the deities watching the events of the universe unfold were no longer filled with displeasure and rage.

* * *

><p>Hermione was standing outside the Room of Requirement. She had been thoroughly searching the Hogwarts grounds all night, avoiding the dormitory and specifically Lavender Brown. She had even borrowed the Marauder's Map which had helped to no avail.<p>

The Room of Requirement was one of the few places left. If someone had stolen Mrs Norris, this would be a great place to stash her.

I need somewhere to hide a cat, she thought.

A door materialised and almost immediately Hermione began to hear the wail of a cat on the other side.

"Mrs Norris, are you in there?" she asked as she slowly began to open the door slowly.

The door knocked against the wall and there was a great, ear shattering crack. Hermione's eyes widened as she watched the floor of the Room of Requirement collapse into a swirling abyss of unrecognisable colours and geometry that defied comprehension beneath a shrieking Mrs Norris.

She took the only appropriate action and screamed.

* * *

><p>As Ron slept peacefully in his bed, Harry sat up and stared at him from across the room, as though he could somehow discern what Ron was hiding from him by reading it in his face.<p>

His unbreaking glare was broken when the entire castle began to shake.

Neville and Seamus were both roused from their sleep as a dull rumble began to reverberate throughout the castle.

"Wassat?" inquired a bleary eyed Seamus as he began to sit up in his sheets.

Neville's eyes darted around the room, "Issit an earfquake? We'd better take cover."

"A simple Protego spell would prevent us from being crushed if the roof collapses," mused Harry, "Besides Hogwarts is magical isn't it? I doubt they didn't prepare for the possibility of geological phenonemen."

"What the hell is geological phenonemen?" asked Seamus, over Ron's loud snoring, "Is that a Muggle belief?"

Harry rolled his eyes, "Bloody Hell Seamus, it's basic geological science? How can you not know that?"

"I didn't learn much outside of how to use magic," shrugged Deamus bashfully.

"Wait really? You didn't even learn algebra or anything? Physics? Chemistry?"

"Not really," admitted Seamus to Harry's bemusement.

"Blimey," Harry said, stroking his chin thoughtfully, "That seems like a real issue with the education of young wiz-"

"Bloody Hell!" Ron yelled out of nowhere, apparently having stirred from his deep slumber for that bizarre contribution.

"He can sleep through an earthquake but not a criticism of the Wizarding Education system?" scoffed Neville, "Man screw this, I'm going back to sleep."

**To Be Continued…**

**Author's Note: And now we get back on with the story proper. Sorry to all those who find the last chapter to be in poor taste. I can assure you that if I do end up killing Ron, I will allow him a little more grace and dignity than an offscreen death.**

**Hope you enjoy reading, I would appreciate any reviews and criticisms!**


	14. Chapter 14 Building to Climax

**13 minutes after Mrs Norris' demise…**

Hermione ran madly through the hallways. She had no idea what had happened or what she had even saw. There were some things mankind was not meant to gaze upon, and the fabric of space-time was one of them.

The cat was the least of her concerns. In fact, she had almost forgotten about it. She was so horrified by what she had seen; she had been overcome in a moment of sheer fear for her own mortality.

Death seemed to stalk her heels as she fled back to the Common Room. She needed to escape it, though she was aware this was impossible in a literal sense.

But preserving some measure of herself, some legacy was not out of reach. In fact, all she needed was a willing partner…

* * *

><p>"So Fred, we managed to get our hands on a Time Turner," smiled Fred, "now what?"<p>

"I'm actually George. You're Fred, remember?" George corrected his brother with a smirk.

"It doesn't matter either way and you know it," Forge replied, "The point is, we have our hands on one the most potentially dangerous magical artefacts in the Wizarding World. This sort of power is only entrusted with the highest Ministry officials and third year students."

"There is only one acceptable course of action when one comes into possession of time travel and you know it," Gred replied.

They both looked each other in the eye and nodded enthusiastically. They then turned to enthusiastically face the door.

As if on cue, the door swung open to reveal a cloaked duo.

Future Fred and George.

"Mutual hand jobs with our other selves," all four of them grinned in unison.

"This is going to be-"

"-so awesome! Ready Fred?"

"Ready George! Ready Future Fred?"

"Read Past Fred! Ready Future George?"

"My body is ready."

"Let's do this thing."

"I thought I'd never ask!"

"Oh me! You lovable narcissist!"

"Shut up and kiss you."

* * *

><p>Meanwhile in his dormitory, Harry threw his Marauder's Map into his trunk in disgust. If he was seeing what he thought he was seeing, he suddenly had no more interest in investigating the twin's nefarious plans.<p>

Well that wasn't true, he was still interested in checking them out. Well, not in that way! Jesus, get your mind out of the gutter, Harry thought to no-one in particular.

Slipping into his invisibility cloak, Harry headed towards the twincestuous abomination occurring in the higher levels of Gryffindor tower, sweaty palm tightly gripping his wand as he creaked up the stairs.

* * *

><p>Trelawney's body was ready. All that was missing was her faithful student, ginger stud Ron Weasley. Oh how she dreamed of him. Her thoughts were consumed by his image, the memory of his lips.<p>

In her mind, various fantasies played through her mind, each highly befitting of the tawdriest, bawdiest erotic fiction tucked away in the secret corners of the Forbidden Section of the library.

She needed Ron Weasley.

To feel his hands run through her curly, slightly greasy hair.

To feel his chest pressed against hers.

To feel his wide girth-

Oh she couldn't wait for his next move. She was willing to take the initiative. After all, she was a seer.

She knew that one way or another, by divination bestowed upon her by unknown forces that Ron would soon be pressing lips against a lovely lady and who was lovelier than she?

Adjusting her oversized spectacles on her nose, she bolted from her tower, and descended into a chaos should couldn't foresee.

* * *

><p>Ron sped out of the Gryffindor Tower with great purpose. Unaware of how many other people were simultaneously heading off to confrontations, Ron sped towards Snape's dungeon. It was time to bury the hatchet, if that was how the term was supposed to be used. Ron didn't know much about how Muggle terms worked.<p>

With various incendiaries stuffed down his jeans and robes, he awkwardly meandered trying to conceal the multiple bulges protruding from his clothes. Needless to say, he failed miserably.

He looked like the most uncomfortable boner-ridden creep ever to grace the presence of the Hogwarts campus.

Luckily, there didn't seem to be anyone in his immediate presence. All he had to do was detonate these fireworks in Snape's dungeon and he'd be one step closer to freedom. This entire ordeal had been dragged on for far too long, Ron thought to himself.

At this point, he just wanted it to end. He wanted to get these things ready to go off with a bang, as per the contract, and put this entire ordeal behind him.

Once he had blown this load, he could finally-

Ron broke out in a sweat. Someone was sprinting down the hallway towards him. Someone he hadn't expected or wanted to see him as he was.

Trying desperately to conceal his multiple bulges, he prepared for the worst.

* * *

><p>Neville had noticed a strange atmosphere building in the school lately. Everyone seemed to be anticipating… something. Neville didn't quite know what is was, but something was coming. Something was building to a head.<p>

An oncoming storm.

A dam, fit to burst.

"We're reaching the climax," noted Luna amusedly.

Neville raised an eyebrow.

"I hadn't noticed."

**To Be Continued…**


	15. Chapter 15 Climax

**Meanwhile, as Luna and Neville reach the climax…**

"Hey Hermione," said Ron nervously to the approaching figure, "What brings you here? To this hallway. Outside Snape's dungeon. Right there."

Hermione supressed an urge to fling herself at the boy and began a pitiful attempt at a shrug that malformed into a shudder.

"Fine. Wonder. Cool. Cool, cool, cool. Very… cool. Just hanging with my… just hanging," she sputtered, "Hanging loose and- watching cats die and the very floor beneath me- well… how about you?"

"What was that about cats? Is something wrong with Crookshanks?" asked Ron despite himself. Detonation could wait, he'd blow his pay-load after he and Hermione had talked first.

"What? Oh no, Crookshanks is fine. Excellent even. Hey remember when you turned Crookshanks ultramarine blue?"

"Ha-ha, yeah," laughed Ron nervously, "I've still got the scars on my wrist and everything."

For a moment, the two stood together in silence.

Ron turned to the dungeon, avoiding Hermione's unbreaking glance. If only he could just reach over and-

"Ron."

Turning quickly, Ron began to speak before a pleasant interruption. Hermione wrapped her arms around him and pulled his lips onto hers, closing them for him before he could say anything.

A second later they broke away.

"Wow."

Hermione's gaze fell to the ground.

"Sorry, I don't know what came over me. I just- I thought I was going to die and I realised that I didn't want to die before getting some things off my chest and you're not mad or anything are you?"

"Not at all."

He pulled Hermione into a tight embrace and gripping her around the waist tightly, gazed deeply into her eyes.

"Baby, you're my forever girl."

And with that, she pulled him into a deep kiss, deeper than anything Ron had ever known.

Time itself seemed to freeze, and the whole universe stopped to observe. For an eternity, their lips were locked and nothing outside sheer bliss existed.

And then chaos returned in the form of a furious Trelawney.

"What are you doing you motherfuckers?"

* * *

><p>"One, two, three."<p>

With an almighty thrust from his boot, Harry smashed open the door to the Weasley Twin's dormitory.

"You're in trouble now. You boys are going to tell me everything starting with-what in the hell are you doing!"

The twins unhanded each other, and quickly put on some robes.

"Haven't you ever heard of knocking Harry?" scowled Fred.

"Terribly rude."

"What would your mother say?"

"Not much, she's dead."

"Nice. You handled that sensitively, George."

"Oh shut up George, don't get all high and mighty just because you're from further along the timeline."

Harry uncovered his eyes and sighed.

"What in the hell is going on here?"

All four twins exchanged significant glances.

"We're experimenting."

Harry frowned, "How are there four of you? Polyjuice potion?"

His eyes fell on the Time Turner, laid askew next to a box of tissues. His eyes widened, they'd finished an entire box! Oh and also abused time travel.

"Okay, you're going to explain everything that's going on here, or I'm going to Dumbledore. Or perhaps even your mother."

The twins gasped.

"You bastard," they cried in unison, "We thought we were cool Harry."

Harry took a step towards the doorway.

"It'll only take one owl…"

"Sit down then," motioned the twins, "It'll only take an hour."

**One hour later…**

"Are you trying to tell me," began Harry incredulously, "that everything you supposedly put Ron through, the unbreakable curse, this seven point contract, all of this secrecy and lying, this scheming and manipulation… it was all just so you could essentially improve your masturbation experience?"

All four the twins exchanged glances.

"Some would argue, Harry, that technically this is a form of incest rather than masturbation."

Harry's jaw dropped and his eyes twitched beneath his glasses.

"I don't know whether I respect or despise you more. This is just… unbelievable. I just honestly can't believe you apparently went to all this trouble for something so trivial. You could have saved a lot of time by simply in investing in a subscription of Hunk Rump magazine."

"We're simple men, Harry Potter," smiled one of the twins, "We merely enjoy the simple pleasures life offers."

"Paradoxical hand jobs are a simple pleasure now?" Harry laughed.

"You're more than welcome to join in, Harry," they smiled in eerie unison, "We can always use another set of hands."

Harry chuckled, "Thanks but no thanks. I just wanted to know what was happening. As enjoyable as I'm sure your plans are, I think I can handle myself. I'll probably go find Ron and Hermione now. I'm going to help Ron out with his contract and put a stop to all this nonsense."

"Your loss," they shrugged and scooting Harry out into the hallway, they began to fondle each other in one of the hottest displays of paradoxical incest to ever occur within the Hogwarts grounds.

* * *

><p><strong>Roughly fifty minutes earlier…<strong>

"Miss Trelawney, would you mind giving us some privacy?"

"Ron, what in Rowling's name are you doing with that bushy haired, book rutting hussy?" snarled Trelawney, with a malevolent glint in her spectacles.

Hermione's eyebrows rose bemusedly.

"Excuse me?"

"Silence yourself, whore," she quipped, "Take your desiccated, lifeless husk of hand from my Ronald immediately!"

Hermione broke away, looking at Ron with confusion and disgust. Ron shook his head furiously, distancing himself from Trelawney as much as possible, slinking towards the dungeon door…

"Trelawney, I don't think of you in a romantic sense. Sorry, but I don't want to be with you. You mean nothing to me."

A poor choice of words.

"Our kiss was the sloppiest of make outs! The most non-heinous- the most outrageous- the most triumphant thing that ever took place in my classroom! How dare you claim it meant nothing," Trelawney shrieked, eyes bulging and neck twitching.

Her hand began to grip her wand tightly. Hermione eyed her nervously, but Ron failed to see her increasing rage building and pressed on.

"It was unspeakably awful! I detested every moment of it! I only did it because I was coerced by unseen parties I cannot name. I had no choice, and I'm sorry, but I don't love you Trelawney. I never did."

Something in Trelawney snapped. With a swift motion, she brought her wand directly to Ron's face and screamed, release a barrage of flame from the tip. Had Hermione not shoved him aside at that moment, he was have erupted into flame. A fate that could still await him.

"Bloody hell," gasped Ron, sans the usual chin stroking accompaniment, "What're you doing?"

"You complete ass, Ronald Weasley," screamed Trelawney, aiming another fire blast at the ginger.

Ron ducked and weaved to the left. In the corner of his eye, he noted the door to Snape's dungeon swing open.

"Expelliarmus!" he yelled, firing the spell at Trelawney who dodged to the right.

As she landed, he leapt towards the door, flinging himself on Draco Malfoy, the doorway's current occupant.

"Weasel bee-" he began before Ron's dive brought his face directly into Malfoy's crotch. Draco bent over groaning, as Ron's face buried into his lap and pushed the pair of them back into the dungeon.

"What's all this then?" enquired an incredibly bemused Snape, "well well well, Mr Weasley. I see once again you fail to _what-in-the-devil_!"

He was interrupted by a spiralling tendril of flame, issued from a dishevelled Trelawney, which licked the corner of Malfoy's robes.

"Get it off, get off me, get me off!" he screamed losing his head. Tangled with Ron, he feebly slapped at the flames, which spread to Ron's robes.

Ron suddenly realised what this would mean and swore loudly.

He leapt towards the largest cauldron in the room and screamed, "Get down!"

There was a great crack and suddenly, the entire room was consumed in flames. Ron, Draco, Snape and Trelawney were all thrown back by the blast and sunk to the walls.

As Ron lay against the wall, bleeding profusely and burns stinging painfully, he smiled feebly before passing out.

"Seven out of seven. Contract fulfilled, G-gred and… F-f-forge…"

With great swiftness, there was nothing but darkness.

* * *

><p>Voices surrounded Ron, whispered urgently and incomprehensibly. He felt as though he was submerged in a pool, and the voices were just above the surface.<p>

He felt himself rising and slowly, he emerged from the darkness.

"Morning."

"Evening actually," came the feminine reply. Hermione.

"You were out of it for at least a week. We were starting to wonder if you were ever going to wake up," admitted a friendly voice. Harry.

"We believed in you Ron. We knew you'd pull through," chimed in a pair of demonic, ghastly cackles. Fred and George.

"You bastards," Ron croaked, "You nearly killed me. I can't believe you assholes put me through all that. I'll kill you."

"Look, at least you didn't end up burning to death. That would have essentially been the worst possible ending to this little saga. Though admittedly it was a close call," smiled Fred (or possibly George, you never could tell).

"Whatever possessed you to store all those fireworks under your robe anyway?" inquired the other twin (probably George), "Why didn't you take them in a bag or a satchel? That would have been much less dangerous."

Ron shrugged.

"I was going to detonate fireworks in Snape's dungeon. I was essentially signing my own death warrant. Snape would have killed me, if Trelawney hadn't flipped the fuck out and torched the place."

Fred and George exchanged significant glances.

"Well someone sounds like they could use a hug."

"Or if you're feeling a little incestuous, blowjobs. We can still hold you to that promise."

Ron rolled his eyes. Even after all he had been through, his brothers were still the same demented, capricious pair he had always known and now begun to fear.

Rather than deal with their drivel, Ron allowed himself to succumb to sleep once again.

* * *

><p><strong>Days later…<strong>

Hermione laid her head against Ron's chest as they both sat together on the Common Room couch. The fireplace crackled lazily, and warmth spread throughout the immediate area, permeating the bodies of the two.

"I was worried about you for a while there. I thought you were going to go up in a puff of smoke."

"I very nearly did," admitted Ron, "if you hadn't kissed me, I'd probably be… sea foam."

Hermione smiled.

"Clearly we're not living the Hans Christian Anderson version."

"I have no idea what you guys are talking about," came Harry from the doorway. He held himself with swagger and a relaxed expression resembling gratification sat upon his face.

"Is that some sort of in-joke that I missed?"

The two exchanged an affectionate glance.

"Something like that."

Harry swaggered over and took a seat on the couch beside the pair. All three sighed heartily and stared into the fire.

"Can you believe Dumbledore's still employing Trelawney after that whole debacle?"

Ron shrugged.

"I suppose he's keeping her around for some reason. Dumbledore's usually on the ball. He'll keep her in line. I'm still dropping Divination though."

Harry laughed, "That's a good idea mate. I may very well follow suit."

Hermione sighed happily, and wrapped her arms around Ron.

"I'm just glad it's all over. Now we can focus on the important things, like defeating Lord Voldemort."

Harry laughed mirthfully, "Right! I'd almost forgotten about him, he's been so quiet this year. I'm surprised he hasn't tried to have me kidnapped, maimed or murdered yet."

"Maybe he took the year off?" Hermione replied, stroking her chin thoughtfully.

"Bloody hell Hermione! What a ludicrous idea," exclaimed Ron and the trio laughed heartily.

"One thing does concern me though," admitted Ron, "Are the twins really not going to receive any come-uppance for their actions? They could have killed me you know. I'm not sure how comfortable I am with letting them go unpunished."

Hermione smiled impishly.

"They aren't go completely unpunished Ron. I threatened to inform the highest authority of their actions and forced them to make a deal."

"The highest authority?" Harry asked inquisitively.

"Probably Mum," smiled Ron, as Hermione nodded amusedly.

"What's their deal anyway?"

"I set them out some tasks to perform for me."

As she said this, two twins clad in maid outfits entered. They carried two trays of tea between them.

"Tea, madam? Sir? Can we tempt you?"

Ron and Harry burst into laughter, but the twins took it well.

"This is hardly the worst thing she's got us to do," whispered Fred to the aside, "After this, we're coercing Malfoy into accepting blow jobs from us."

George shrugged.

"It's a living!"

All five of them burst into sitcom-esque laughter. It was all very silly.

**The End**


End file.
